I've about hit that point.

You think you are on the verge of having a true nervous breakdown, and something happens to realize you weren't close. It goes from somewhat manageable to bad, then bad to worse. Something gives you a glimmer of hope then splat. Just kidding. That's when you realize you were a bit farther from that breakdown then you realized. You think now you are to that point...waiting on the "other shoe to drop" or however you want to phrase it. You search for inspirational quotes on fb or where ever, hoping one will get you back to that place where you can count the blessings you do have. You try to not listen to other's negativity without 1. imputing your own (other people need to vent too) 2. stopping them from venting (you have enough venting to do of your own and know how it is to need to vent) 3. shoving false bubbles and happiness up their ass (some people just need a moment of sad). Everyone has issues, different journeys, paths they were meant to take etc. I get it, really I do. Karma and blah blah blah. Yeah, I've done some super shitty stuff....but I think I've also done my time in Hell. The past few days I have been trying to get to that turning point of "It'll get better" and I can't find it. Am I on the verge of depression...nope. I am completely overwhelmed and sad. I'll explain the sad in a bit.

Yes, Isaac as a whole is very overwhelming. If you look at Isaac as a super grown 8 month old, he is completely awesome. I know where he "should" be and I know what he's "not doing" that is in range for his age. What my baby is- is extremely predictable. I know when he's going to want lunch. He's repetitive, I know what he's going to want for lunch. I know he's going to run from me every single time I go to change his diaper. I know if it has wheels, I need to keep him away from it unless I have to money to buy it. He's gonna grab it, not let it go, and put it straight in his mouth. Now that his official diagnosis is here and there's a shitload of stuff he needs and stuff that we have to work on I'm overwhelmed. Change is hard for me...I adjust. Change is 20 times worse for him and mostly he tolerates it, but it's becoming rough for him and we just started. Somewhere I read that parents of Autistic children have the same constant stress levels as a soldier in active duty. It appears that in the next year, I might find out what that could imply and at the present time I don't have a job to add to that stress. I might not ever know that...but I'm worried that D might.

We were told that we might be able to get grants or things like that to help with Isaac's therapy needs and some websites to visit to research this. I will be doing this tonight. Social Security has a section of SSI benefits that pertain to children with disabilities and we have explored that route. It seemed to us that the hard part about that was qualifying income wise for that . Well, we are so fucking broke that we qualify for it. We are denied because D has that land in Arkansas that he bought the ex out of. For SSI you cannot have more than a $2000 resource. Well, we owe $41k on it. It appraised for $54k. Math genius I am not, but can realize that is more than $2k. I explained to the lady at SSA that since it is vacant land in vacation area we would not be able to sell it even if we wanted to. There is no market for that now. In the appraisal it even states to sell it we would have to reduce the asking price well under it's appraisal. Add in closing costs and we would be lucky to break even, much less have more than $2k out of it. They don't care. I'll be receiving our official denial letter any day now. D said even if we put it out there for sale for $40k we wouldn't probably even get an offer. He also said that if we couldn't sell it, it couldn't be counted as a resource. When he said that, I just knew we might be fighting this. Appeal, or whatever. More research for me. He's got enough to do. And I'm tired already. That would have paid for just over half of the recommend therapies Isaac needs. (I'm not counting the recommended DAILY speech therapy..just rolling with the 2 times a week).
D and I have been going to look at private schools/developmental preschools and finally I told him yesterday I won't anymore. We can't pay for anything, and I'm not going to exhaust myself trying to even figure out where that would be coming from. Once we were told on the phone we qualified for SSI based on income, I got my hopes up that we could swing a preschool, etc. When that door slammed, I realized how far away from breakdown I am.

I was sick last week, D is sick now, Landon is super sick and having high fevers. Trying to pull off all of these visits is draining. My mom and Carol are helping out with babysitting and stuff. Little blessings. And it's getting bad that I'm having to constantly remind myself of those.
I am now in the Autism moms fb group for the mid south area, and honestly what the moms on that panel say about Shelby County schools, IEPs, and problems I am scared to death to send Isaac to preschool there when the time comes in October. I am truly scared and don't want him to go. We have no other choice. The only thing that we've got is that when the next "school" year starts, Isaac will no longer be going to his mother's day out program and Carol has said that she will give us that money she would have been paying for that to get him additional speech therapy. The speech therapy that he goes to now once a week Jack paid for. He gave us enough money for therapy for January, February and the first week in March. After that, he will only be doing what speech he gets from TEIS. So for February he will get speech twice a week. Once from Jack's money and once from TEIS, then he will go back to once a week through TEIS.

To be told that your child needs something daily...and you can't even provide it for once a week (TEIS paying for it) makes you sad. To be told that he needs a special preschool and you can't afford it makes you sad. How am I doing my job?! I'm not. And that's what hurts so bad. He needs so much more than I can do for him financially and it's killing me. I've gone through so much anger with this than anything. Oh and how many why's I've said lately. Why wasn't I smarter about money and now can't afford anything that he needs?! (And I really mean I, not we as in D and I). Stuff like that. No changing the past and all that crap. Sometimes shit like that just doesn't help when said to you. I think that has made me more tired than anything.
I told D the other day, we need a big God Damn break. Yep, cussing, using God's name in vain. In a few words all my ugly came out. I meant it too. We need a God Damn Fucking BREAK. A BIG ONE. I don't mean something simple like the fridge actually working for longer than 2 weeks. I would get Karma and all that crap if it just effecting me or my day. My kids and D having to pay for any shitty thing I did in the past shouldn't keep continuing. So honestly I'm not counting that. Do I think I just set myself up for a disaster...maybe but it's how I feel. Do I wish ill on anyone...hell no. Do I wish for anyone to ever struggle like this...never. Do I understand that there are people worse off then  me....absolutely. Does that knowledge help...not at this minute. My mom hasn't been able to keep the kids in a while (she's having her own sick battles and I pray for her) and when Carol keeps them the time she has them is shorter and shorter and shorter. Yeah yeah I'm being a totally selfish ungrateful bitch, but honestly I could give two shits right now. I shouldn't be expecting some big break or anything but a few months or something of breathing room would soooooooo damn nice. Not from kids, from overload stress. Hey everyone has bills, issues, stresses...but ours are compounding. And I feel bad for D.
I will probably be calling the doctor today to take Landon in either this afternoon and tomorrow. After that copay, and possible medicine my grocery budget this week will be less than half of what it normally is. Sob story...absolutely. And this is my best way to get it out. My mom, I'm sure is tired of hearing it by now and she's got enough negativity on her plate to last a lifetime), Ann I'm sure is tired of hearing it too, and the only other person I really talk to is April...and I'm not calling her and dragging her down! (She's got enough too and she's about to have that beautiful baby girl!).
I've been so sick lately, then D got the sick, now Landon that my nephew is over a week old and I haven't even met him yet.
I've already done D's taxes for this year, and although that will help relieve some credit cards stress we are having it will not help for the immediate minute. The benefits of putting it on the card will pay off in the long run more than it will in the immediate future. Having to look at both is exhausting too.
This post is not for anyone to feel bad for us, just for me to vent. I set up that gofundme page and they still won't post it for strangers to fund me until I hit that $100 mark first. I've noticed that alot of fb "friends" are sharing other people's gofundme posts for things like college tuition and stuff..if you can share that please take 2 seconds to share mine when I post it. That really will only be used for Isaac. As a house we can maintain daily stuff. We cannot afford any extras (dinner out, field trips for the kids etc) and so when I mean we are not able to give isaac any therapies..I mean it. One therapy a week takes my grocery budget from $144 a week  for 6 people to $99 a week.
Here's his link: http://www.gofundme.com/5ywwdw

Any other help we can use besides financially? Absolutely! I have read that immunizations can be harsh to those with Autism...do I think they cause it no. Am I going to stop them...no. But, I have heard rumors that you can request them split up. Some that come in one shot can be split into separate ones and can be given over the course of 2 to 3 weeks. One every week or something. Do i really wanna go to the dr that much, no. Does it help not overload his immune system and therefore better for Isaac...well that's what I don't know. Maybe someone can look that shit up for me. I can't afford shitloads of ink or laminating stuff and heard it was cheaper to print your own PECS cards. Print one page out for us. Like Bath time pic or diaper pic or hell, anything. Would love for it to be in color. I am not above begging, but not in such bad shape yet to bug. That's why I won't be posting the link for this post on fb.
Like I said, wanna help and don't have any money...please share his go fund me link on fb or maybe print us a page for his PECS cards. We can't have enough. One set here, one at carol's, one at mom's, one at his mother's day out.
To those who do read this, thanks for letting me vent. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Official Psychologist results for Isaac

Isaac's Behavior Rating Scale results:
- Extremely low range for Conceptual skills (ex:communication)
- Extremely low range for Social skills
- Extremely low range for Practical skills
-Relative strength in community use domain.( Knowing we are home when drive into driveway)
-Severe range for deficiencies in reciprocal social behavior.

Diagnosis: 1. Autism Spectrum Disorder
                  2. Language Disorder (Severe expressive and receptive delay)

I will at some point post thoughts/feelings/whatever on a separate post right after this one.

Verbal and written recommendations for Isaac for now:
-There's no such thing as too much therapy for Isaac right now. The more the better.
-DT, OT, ABA and Speech. Do them all as much as possible.
-Speech therapy was recommended by Speech evaluator for twice a week, Psychologist recommends daily therapy sessions in speech.
-Enroll Isaac in a developmental preschool environment as soon as possible.

Isaac has speech one time a week as of now. He also has DT once a week for an hour now. He is now on Melatonin at night to help him sleep.

These are the basics that we have right now.
Developmental Therapist is working on Isaac's fine motor skills this week, as well as communication. We have been working with him on signs. Last week we were taught 4 signs (All done, more, please and thank you). He has not mastered these yet. We have been taught another 4 (want, drink, eat, and help). He has not mastered these yet.

There's the facts! Emotional post coming soon!

Happy Birthday Dennis!

Today, my husband turns 35! We already kinda celebrated Saturday night with my friends (thanks again to April,Brandy, Ann, Taylor, Mary, Wade, my sweet Jessica, and my parents) for coming out to dinner with us! Ann and Taylor...since you're not on fb...thank you so much for the Saucer and that thing in the beer fridge! Love you so much! Sunday night we went to his mom and Jack's for dinner and cake (R2D2 recognizable to Landon so it wasn't that bad ;)!
I am so blessed to have him in my life! He is an amazing husband and can make me laugh when I'm furious...how I don't know, he just does. He is an awesome father! He's that parent that makes it look so easy while not being a pushover...again how...I don't know! He rocks. Literally. I love listening to him playing guitar when he thinks I'm asleep! He can do almost any voice you can think of. And sound just like them. It's hilarious and again I have no idea how he does it!
Since the hubby puts up with all my crap daily, I totally gave in to him and we won't be going to Disney this year. He really really really wanted to go on this 7 day cruise, so we booked it at the beginning of this week. They were offering reduced deposits, and we can make payments over time, so we are going to get passports and have some alone time without kiddos. Yay!!! Topper to that...we are leaving out of New Orleans on a Sunday in Sept...so planning for something I know he REALLY wants...we are going to go to the LSU game the day before the cruise leaves. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND ANNIVERSARY BABY! 235 days til the game, 236 days til the cruise!!!
Thank you baby for all of your love, patience, selflessness, and happiness that you share with me! I need it, and I'm never without it. You spoil me rotten and hardly ever say no. Here's to many more birthdays and wonderful experiences (once in a lifetime and everyday) that I can't wait to share with you!

My calendar is getting full!

So many things are happening, and in just a short time! Trying to get with D, my mom, and Carol with our crazy calendars has been a bit hard. We now have Isaac doing speech therapy once a week, going through someone on our own. TEIS came out Friday after his evaluation to go over our IFP, individual family plan. He will get speech through them once a week too. Looks like he will get ABA and OT once a week from them as well. She said we may be able to get DT from them as many times a week as we can handle...we'll see. I'm all for doing as much as he can handle. When the psychologist tells you that "There is no such thing as too much therapy" for your child it kind of hits you. I have gone through most, if not all, of the stages of grief by now. I'm finally at acceptance. And it didn't really hit me until she said that quote in the above sentence. Denial...thought well maybe it was just his speech. Bargaining...I'm not sure if I did this...that's why I put most of them. Depression...oh yes. I had this. Probably why I couldn't bring myself to blog this past week. I was sad for the future his awesomeness deserves, within all aspects of life but mostly it was that he might not be able to go to the best school he needs (more on that in a later post). I also hit depression knowing that I will be his advocate. D will do whatever I ask, but I will have to be the one to research, fight for, and keep all his appts and shit together. Overwhelming. *Side note, to all the single parents who have a child with autism and are rocking it, I fully bow in respsect to you.* Anger, I had a ton. It was coming out of everywhere about everything to everyone. It's a good thing that I didn't talk to some people or I might not be able to salvage some friendships/relationships. I think my mom understood what was happening more than I did, and just let it slide. Who has the best mom ever...I DO. Be jealous. Really. The only way I can say that I am finally in acceptance is I don't feel the anger anymore and I'm actually getting excited about the upcoming full weekend I have. It doesn't feel like stress anymore, or just more things to do...I'm actually wanting it to hurry up and get here.
Friday...baby Ethan should be here.
Saturday lunch...baby shower for April and little Cassetty
Saturday night...Dinner for Dennis's bday..I wanted nothing more than to keep it a secret, but with the help of confusion I had to break down and tell him. Good thing I did though cause I forgot to ask someone (they since have been invited, and hope they show up). I feel horrible about that.
Sunday...my Scentsy party! If you can come please do! It's at 1pm. I'll have food and Mary will have the awesome smelling stuff! Please come help support Mary and shop...and maybe I can get something half priced!!

As I try to get into what is the start of our new routine, I'm hoping to find my groove quickly. This winging it stuff is for the birds.

Now, gotta go finish reorganizing the kitchen drawers before the boys get home from MuMus. I haven't found that balance of trying to hurry up and finish that list of stuff I can't do while they are here and just plain sitting down doing nothing while they are gone. With everyone's calendars getting so full...when they aren't here the time is less and less each time they are gone. I should not complain. I should not complain. I should not complain. I'm having to tell myself that alot lately.
Balance, I shall find.
Go, I must.
;)

The list for 2014!

With D at work today, thank you winter weather, I have finished my list of things I would like to get to or do for 2014! While it is in pink, I haven't put sparkly stuff on it just yet. Waiting til naptime for that! Since it was getting kinda long, I decided just to go on and round it to 14 for 2014. Seems like a lot, but looking at it it's really not. Here it is in all it's fabulous glory!!!

The New Year List!

1. Save enough for an Adult Only Trip to Disney for my birthday!!

2. Pay at least half of the credit card off! I would say all, but see number 1.

3. Bake/Cook more! Cookies, cupcakes, doggie treats, dinner (getting away from hamburger helper), bread, homemade meatballs, and number one thing to bake/cook- Alton Brown’s mac and cheese!

4. Fix broken little things in the house, or replace them. Like those silly light covers that are broken in the kitchen. Not really something you think about everyday.

5. Mop more than once every two weeks (if that happens that much now *head hung in shame*).

6. Sell everything we don’t use, and doesn’t piss Dennis off!

7. Give in to my new glitter/shiny obsession. Ten years ago I would have never even though of sparkly. I’m going with it!

8. Walk the dogs more. Between the pool and fenced off kid area…they don’t have a ton of room to run and play in.

9. Re-teach the big kids how to clean stuff and do laundry. Not half ass it, really stay with them when cleaning and make them redo it til it’s right.

10. Dress up more…even if for no reason at all.

11. Hide more vegetables in the food. ;) Yes kiddos, butternut squash and other stuff will be going in your mac and cheese!

12. Play more cards with my mom, as well as teach the big kids Canasta. I don’t think I got to play any at all with her last year.

13. More yoga. I have severely fallen off with this, and it does wonders for me.

14. Last but not least, (since it is 2014 I should have 14 right?!) have everyone UNPLUG more.

I'm thinking this list is very doable, something that will be not too much to handle. Except number one. That one is the one that might have to get pushed back to 2015. I am determined though, and stubborn. Once my mind is set..it's hard to change!
There is a pic going around fb now, saying if you save the amount of the number week it is in the year, you'll have a certain amount by the end of the year. I'm going to try that too. Only for so long. I will be stopping Thanksgiving weekend. I am going to use this as Christmas shopping money. I think this is a brilliant idea. I am going to try my hardest, and hope D doesn't get upset since we are trying to pay off the credit card (see number 2) but it would help if I didn't have so much to try to come up with at Christmas. We'll see how it goes!
I wish everyone Good Luck in their new year goals/lists/words/resolutions!

More appointments for Isaac, and I need a distraction!

The evaluator for Tn early intervention services came by this morning, and we should get this ball rolling pretty soon. We still have the psychologist appt for his "official" diagnosis (one or more) on Monday. In a few days another lady from TEIS will call to meet for his whatever they called it plan, and therapy, or the therapies,  should start soon after that. I'm so tired of...what are those things..acronyms. Like, TEIS stands for something, ASD stands for Autism Spectrum Disorder. Really...I'm stuck in this place where everything and every sentence has one or more of these in it and I have to try to figure out what they mean. I'll probably know all of them in a few months, but right now trying to read stuff on the Autism mom's group fb page is like half acronyms. That I don't know.
I'm trying really hard to get my mind off of all of these appointments, and I'm also trying to sell stuff like crazy to afford some of these appointments. I'm selling stuff all over fb resale sites. I started a gofundme page for Isaac, for anyone who's feeling sympathetic and wants to help out! Please! The amount that we are trying to raise is what his speech therapy alone is going to cost this year. I put on there that it was for all 3, but I just added up his twice a week visit copays and that's the number I got. Sheesh!! So...if you feel like you can...click the link and help us out!! What I didn't realize is that gofundme will not make your profile/page truly public where wonderful strangers can donate...until you get $100 in donations yourself. So please share!
As spring is fastly approaching, I need something for me to do to earn money. I can do boutique hairbows and diaper cakes with ease, also homemade bath salts and sugar scrubs ... so I was thinking about maybe getting up a big stockpile of those and doing spring, summer, and fall craft shows. Most of these are on weekends anyway when D is off work and I can drag the Jessica with me to help out. Thoughts? On most of the big ones, little ones, and even consignment sales I have noticed that they have vendors who do bows, but since the diaper cakes are so much fun for me I thought about those. Good idea, bad idea? I do not think I can do both in one booth, but I'm not sure about that either. Or not risk it at all? I really really really need advice on this one. I'm on the fence.
Still working on that super sparkly list for this year though, and just wondering if crafts/trade shows should be on it. Y'all help me out with deciding!!
Love and always God Bless! www.gofundme.com/5ywwdw

Happy New Year! And Resolutions?

 

As it is now 2014, and I am off to a great start in 2014 (at least with laundry) I am wondering...should I have a resolution? I have in previous years tried the weight loss thing, the no smoking thing, and the paying off of the credit card thing. So first day in 2014...I am still overweight, still smoke, and thanks to my determination to go to Disney the card is almost still maxed out. I see on FB that some friends are doing them, others not, and D never does. So...should I make a resolution for this year? Would short term goals be better? I know what I want to happen in 2014, so maybe a list is the way to go for me! Maybe my resolution will be to not lose determination in accomplishing the list?! Type it up in pretty font, pretty colors, and add glitter and put it on the fridge?! YES. Sparkle fabulous!
We didn't do much for New Years, stayed at home and I did some laundry. Somehow I missed the ball drop in New York..but was cracking up when Memphis messed up the guitar drop! So sad, and yet hilarious. D and I are hoping to actually make it out somewhere next year, but we'll see...that's a long way off!
I'm trying to clean stuff up around the house and get rid of stuff (or sell it) we don't use...I haven't decided if that's mostly a commercial influence thing..or just something mom always did when we were growing up. When the new year hits, all stores etc are advertising for organization stuff and cleaning stuff. Maybe a bit of both.
What I'm looking forward to in the new year:
The new nephew...should be here before end of Jan. Can not wait.
The arrival of Ms. Cassie...She should be making her grand appearance in Feb.
The start of Isaac's therapies! May they be the help he needs.
So far, that's it. It's not the end of the list of happies to come...it's just in the next 3 months! Rock star start to the year!
Now...to get on the super sparkly list of things I want to happen! I'll post the list and a pic when it's all done!
Hope everyone had a safe and Happy New Year's celebration, and I hope 2014 brings you everything you hope for and need! God Bless!