I have been having a hard time lately, and wanted to explain a bit. Brandon is now in Partial Hospitalization at Lakeside...Day Program Monday through Friday with family group once a week. Tomorrow I should know more from the dr as far as how long he'll be there, etc. Between that and Isaac's usual therapy shuffles and daily life I might crack. I have been seeing my own psychiatrist for stress like this for a while now, but it seems like I'm getting hit left and right and then left again. A few weeks ago I posted on facebook that I was running away. I'm guessing everyone thought I was joking. I wasn't. Last minute everything. I was stressing to the point of almost shutting down. Thursday before we left for Destin is the first time we took B to Lakeside. They said to get him in the day program the next day. I just took him out of school, took the boys out of school, and we left on Sat. The ocean soothes my soul. The sound, rocking of the waves, salt breezes...it always had. Beach and/or sand not necessary. I have been blessed to love the ocean since I can remember. My parents taking us on these great trips. Boats, diving, all of it. The ocean heals my soul a bit, and helps it rest for the next day, week and month for the constant fights, meltdowns, arguments, and mediating. Fights with B, Isaac meltdowns, B putting me in the middle of his and D's arguments, mediating between B and the boys, pushing for Isaac's services, shuttling him everywhere. It's enough to drive anyone batshit crazy. Sometimes you have to run away in order to face another day. Yes, we are broke. We pay our bills that we have to, we have very little for anything else. Yes, it sucks seeing everyone else's pics of them going to the delta fair, zoo boo, shopping at craft fairs. We haven't gotten to do stuff like that in a long time. Cooper young fest, I wish. We got an adjustment on D's taxes... I took 800 for the Destin trip and the other 250 on bills. Nothing else left. We found some good deals recently on an adaptive carseat and special stroller. D's cousin Brandy has been helping us with Isaac's copays and his speech therapy costs this past year. Mom has been helping when she can. Carol helps us out all the time. For as long as I can remember, and with all the crap I have gone through... losing and leaving everything and trying to start over, being so broke that your friend brings you groceries ( I swear I'll never forget that April, I love you!) I have not asked for help from my brother. When Isaac was diagnosed and we had all this medical debt starting out for his evaluations and tests...etc... he and Caroline gave Isaac a gift card to the Sensory Store. It was great for him. My mom has told me that Fred helped me pay for B's gymnastics years ago. I didn't know that until well after. I have tried over the past years to not ask him for help. I wish I could tell him to walk a day in my shoes...but then again I wouldn't want that stress, pain, and worry for him. I broke down and asked him for help. Financial help for Brandon. I had to pay $612 for the first 5 days. I had to use mom's credit card. I asked him for a gift of maybe 25 or 15 dollars...straight to mom...to help me. I have absolutely no response whatsoever. My mom and I talked about it. She said he doesn't understand why I'm asking for help via gofundme etc... when we take trips. My mom then said she understands more now why I needed to get away and how stressed I must be. Maybe she can explain it to him. She said I know that probably pisses you off....no, no it doesn't. It makes me sad. I am thoroughly crushed. I swallowed every tiny teeny bit of pride I had to ask him for help...and not even that much on such a big debt for me. Caroline won't ever even share his gofundme link. If I tag her, she untags herself. Y'all that's her NEPHEW. I would share every other day if it was Eli or Ethan. I even asked her why she wouldn't and she just deleted it.Who does that?
So much to be mad about and I'm not. I'm sad. Sad that I didn't get help for Brandon or us sooner. Sad that my mom sees how bad it is and she worries so much. I have tried and tried to not let her see alot lately, but I'm barely getting through it myself and can't protect her anymore right now. She'll understand that.
Church has been one of my havens. I do feel hopeless alot lately, but something will happen to give me hope. Isaac will just hold my hand...just because. Or Landon will do something silly and have me giggling so hard I snort. These remind me that God won't leave me here in this place. Like the title of this blog says.. as long as He (God) is still with me I will make it through. I having been asking for so much help from God lately. Patience, understanding, stress reduction. But this saturday was a bit different. In church I realized...it's also, as long as he is with me...meaning Dennis. He is my better half, my rock, my patience, my backup, my best friend. God has given me such a gift. And he cooks! D is all for family therapy. His and B's relationship is rough at best.
We are struggling. It hurts me a little more each time I post Isaac's gofundme. Now I will feel even worse when I do. I posted the amazon link the other day..and it doesn't feel any better.
This post is for me. For me to get out some of the shit in my head and heart. D and I are on one hell of a roller coaster. We don't want to get off...but maybe it could level out a bit for a few minutes.
My monster is ready to go to sleep. Guess he won't wait forever! Or even 1 minute. Ah Autism...
