What's for dinner?

I think this is the single most asked question of me lately! I have no clue!! I am grateful that Justin gave me all those cookbooks. I do think I will be using them really soon! What is it about fall and winter that makes me want to cook so badly?! Maybe it's the cool/cold weather.. and if I get hot I can just step outside? The idea that many people don't worry about diets during the holidays so we tend to cook more... It's not that easy for us to plan dinners...and we eat so dang early. As you can imagine, Isaac gives us our schedule and he is the pickiest eater. I am giving in to serious thoughts of adult dinner and kids dinner having completely separate menus. Me, D and Landon aren't feeling that great tonight..so it's soup and grilled cheese!
We were supposed to go to Ann's tonight to celebrate her and Meredith's birthday...and well...my body..especially my sinuses said nope. I don't get to see Ann that much.
Since I haven't been feeling that great and not doing much but laying around on the couch, I've been thinking about the holidays and Christmas mostly! The older I get...the more I would rather give than receive. This year is a bit different. We have struggled before, but this year seemed to really kick our asses. Every year I put the kids wishlists on Amazon for family, so I don't have to keep track of who I told what. Just pick something and I'll mark it or something.
Another thing that is different..is I have added my wishlist. I actually have one this year. Most of it is for the house, but three or four are for me. Do I expect to get them..no. But it was fun! Fun to daydream about all the things I could do to improve the house! I can paint cabinets if I had the stuff! I can install those string lights for Isaac if I had them with the curtains! Only one of the faucets really is needed..the rest would just be small upgrade. People are always saying it's the little things. It is! Little things make you mad, or happy. Like Starbucks. Happy. Walking into the kitchen and liking your light fixture...happy. Having a coffee table...happy :)  We haven't ever had one a coffee table or side tables. I'm not silly enough to think about getting super nice stuff...just something. A rug by this big old pond would be sweet!! See! It's exciting to think about!! The only thing on the list that is just for me is the hair stuff I think. Good hair care much needed or I look like a fried Shakira. Just imagine.
I think I marked all of Isaac's and Landon's stuff high on the priority list...the next would be the house stuff...detergent, cleaning stuff etc. You know you are broke and an adult when you would be extremely happy with a giant thing of toilet paper for Christmas!!! Or socks...dang! I should go add socks...
We have hit our out of pocket max for this year and I am starting to dread the New Year and starting all over. On a positive note I have already started my New Year's Resolution thing! I am starting to think you should maybe start on your birthday...
I still have been good and haven't smoked since May 4. I can smell things better..which is a blessing and a curse. I still haven't gotten to the point where the smoke smell doesn't make me crave it when I smell it. I hope that changes. Maybe it never will. Who knows...all I know is deodorant is a fabulous thing and I really have to avoid certain perfume areas in the mall!! On a good note though...when I smell coffee I could float away on a cloud like in cartoons. It's the little things ;)
Guess I better get to dinner...whatever it will be...

Here is the link to our wishlist. Every bit helps and we are saving up for the new year payments for Isaac. Have a blessed rest of the weekend!
https://amzn.com/w/1HOB6VCWKVTTJ

His gofundme  www.gofundme.com/isaaccourtney

 

As long as He's with me...

I have been having a hard time lately, and wanted to explain a bit. Brandon is now in Partial Hospitalization at Lakeside...Day Program Monday through Friday with family group once a week. Tomorrow I should know more from the dr as far as how long he'll be there, etc. Between that and Isaac's usual therapy shuffles and daily life I might crack. I have been seeing my own psychiatrist for stress like this for a while now, but it seems like I'm getting hit left and right and then left again. A few weeks ago I posted on facebook that I was running away. I'm guessing everyone thought I was joking. I wasn't. Last minute everything. I was stressing to the point of almost shutting down. Thursday before we left for Destin is the first time we took B to Lakeside. They said to get him in the day program the next day. I just took him out of school, took the boys out of school, and we left on Sat. The ocean soothes my soul. The sound, rocking of the waves, salt breezes...it always had. Beach and/or sand not necessary. I have been blessed to love the ocean since I can remember. My parents taking us on these great trips. Boats, diving, all of it. The ocean heals my soul a bit, and helps it rest for the next day, week and month for the constant fights, meltdowns, arguments, and mediating. Fights with B, Isaac meltdowns, B putting me in the middle of his and D's arguments, mediating between B and the boys, pushing for Isaac's services, shuttling him everywhere. It's enough to drive anyone batshit crazy. Sometimes you have to run away in order to face another day. Yes, we are broke. We pay our bills that we have to, we have very little for anything else. Yes, it sucks seeing everyone else's pics of them going to the delta fair, zoo boo, shopping at craft fairs. We haven't gotten to do stuff like that in a long time. Cooper young fest, I wish. We got an adjustment on D's taxes... I took 800 for the Destin trip and the other 250 on bills. Nothing else left. We found some good deals recently on an adaptive carseat and special stroller. D's cousin Brandy has been helping us with Isaac's copays and his speech therapy costs this past year. Mom has been helping when she can. Carol helps us out all the time. For as long as I can remember, and with all the crap I have gone through... losing and leaving everything and trying to start over, being so broke that your friend brings you groceries ( I swear I'll never forget that April, I love you!) I have not asked for help from my brother. When Isaac was diagnosed and we had all this medical debt starting out for his evaluations and tests...etc... he and Caroline gave Isaac a gift card to the Sensory Store. It was great for him. My mom has told me that Fred helped me pay for B's gymnastics years ago. I didn't know that until well after. I have tried over the past years to not ask him for help. I wish I could tell him to walk a day in my shoes...but then again I wouldn't want that stress, pain, and worry for him. I broke down and asked him for help. Financial help for Brandon. I had to pay $612 for the first 5 days. I had to use mom's credit card. I asked him for a gift of maybe 25 or 15 dollars...straight to mom...to help me. I have absolutely no response whatsoever. My mom and I talked about it. She said he doesn't understand why I'm asking for help via gofundme etc... when we take trips. My mom then said she understands more now why I needed to get away and how stressed I must be. Maybe she can explain it to him. She said I know that probably pisses you off....no, no it doesn't. It makes me sad. I am thoroughly crushed. I swallowed every tiny teeny bit of pride I had to ask him for help...and not even that much on such a big debt for me. Caroline won't ever even share his gofundme link. If I tag her, she untags herself. Y'all that's her NEPHEW. I would share every other day if it was Eli or Ethan. I even asked her why she wouldn't and she just deleted it.Who does that?
So much to be mad about and I'm not. I'm sad. Sad that I didn't get help for Brandon or us sooner. Sad that my mom sees how bad it is and she worries so much. I have tried and tried to not let her see alot lately, but I'm barely getting through it myself and can't protect her anymore right now. She'll understand that.
Church has been one of my havens. I do feel hopeless alot lately, but something will happen to give me hope. Isaac will just hold my hand...just because. Or Landon will do something silly and have me giggling so hard I snort. These remind me that God won't leave me here in this place. Like the title of this blog says.. as long as He (God) is still with me I will make it through. I having been asking for so much help from God lately. Patience, understanding, stress reduction. But this saturday was a bit different. In church I realized...it's also, as long as he is with me...meaning Dennis.  He is my better half, my rock, my patience, my backup, my best friend. God has given me such a gift. And he cooks! D is all for family therapy. His and B's relationship is rough at best.
We are struggling. It hurts me a little more each time I post Isaac's gofundme. Now I will feel even worse when I do. I posted the amazon link the other day..and it doesn't feel any better.
This post is for me. For me to get out some of the shit in my head and heart. D and I are on one hell of a roller coaster. We don't want to get off...but maybe it could level out a bit for a few minutes.
My monster is ready to go to sleep. Guess he won't wait forever! Or even 1 minute. Ah Autism...

Helping Isaac

We are doing everything we can to try to help Isaac. We are financially at the point of balancing and juggling. I'm sure most everyone knows what that means! We pay bills, and then we are broke again for the next two weeks! There really isn't any extra for special cups, expensive special needs strollers, allergy dr recommended vacuums, etc. We were blessed to receive enough in donations so far to order him 12 new special sized (expensive, custom order) cloth diapers. We have been using cloth diapers for well over a year and we saved so much money using them. They only go up to 45 lbs, and Isaac is just over 50lbs. I was blessed enough to find someone on Etsy (after several tries) that would and could make diapers to fit my special super sized little man. We also used some of the donation money and squeezed out some of our own to get him a used Ipad off of a resale site. We only have  a few apps on it so far, and it seems like most of the learning ones for him (that are recommended or the best) are purchase apps. We are trying to get Itunes cards for those too. And he's cracked the screen. Hence the kid proof cover on our wishlist :)
I realize that a lot of my friends and family are not in a position to help financially for Isaac, and I am so grateful for the sharing of his posts!! It means the world to me!!!
My mom and Carol will be watching the kids starting Sunday through Wednesday to give Dennis and I a break for a minute. We are getting a touch overwhelmed. I am hoping to rest, relax for a minute, and get back to one of my main jobs...advocating for Isaac. We have an IEP on the 23rd to see if he qualifies for extended school year.

As spring approaches (hopefully weather wise too!!) I am starting to weed stuff out. Spring cleaning and all! If anyone is spring cleaning and thinking of donating the stuff to goodwill or any other place...please consider donating to Isaac! I am going to have a yard sale here at the house on April 25 (May 2 would be a rain day) to benefit Isaac. All (every single dime) money raised will go to purchase any "special" thing he needs. The tilty cups, the special stroller, or any other OT, Speech, or ABA tool that has been recommended to us. The funds will not be used for itunes cards, or to fix his cracked screen. Things like the cups, stroller, and vacuum to help his breathing will be our main priorities.
PLEASE PLEASE,  if you have anything that you are thinking of getting rid of- send it my way! I will come pick it up at any time!! I will pick up small batches, big batches, a small Kroger sack of stuff...anything!!!
Thank you again to all of my friends and family for thinking of Isaac and sharing his posts!

It's getting better all the time

In the past week or so, a lot of people, friends and family, have shared Isaac's gofundme posts. We have had some amazing donations for Isaac. Monday will be Money Monday where I will break down where all his money goes/went. I will also be updating his goals. I have learned about ABA students who might do a one hours session once a week at a discounted rate. Ex: $15-$20 an hour versus $30-$50. I am very excited about this new possibility! I also ranted on facebook about the money/sharing and someone told me to go ahead and apply for SSI again. I will. Tuesday. I have to call them to start the application process then finish online. I'm praying he will get some financial help from them, but as we have been denied and our appeal denied...I'm not really holding my breath. But I will pray just the same!
Valentine's Day! My sweet D got me some white chocolate. My favorite. Sometimes it doesn't take a lot, it's the little things. Since I was sick yesterday, Brandon's Valentine didn't get mailed until today, and Jess, Landon, Isaac and Dennis will just have to wait until I'm better. No driving for a few days they said.
I have registered for that Hope Express...the weekend thing that you go to to learn about Hope Church and see about possibly becoming a member. They seem to have a ton of stuff to offer for Isaac in the ways of church, God, and social activities. I am Catholic, and love being Catholic. I just don't know of another church that might offer so much for him. Momma says that it doesn't matter where you go, as long as you go. I'm trusting her on that one. I pretty sure it's been over 20 years since I went to church on a regular basis. I am refusing to count exactly....I'm having enough issues with years, age, and all my lines/wrinkles...
Speaking of! I see Jess posting about Botox and fillers etc. I have been wanting to try that soooooo badly!!! $12 a unit....and her first was 20 units....and she's no where near as bad as me...goodness gracious! My first visit would probably top $400!!! Anybody want to donate Botox to me?!?!?

We have filed taxes, and are getting a return this year! And as soon as it gets here...it's going right back out! However! We will get caught up on some bills! Credit card bills, medical bills, and maybe a few groceries too! Maybe one of the bills won't get paid in full so we can get few extra groceries...and Lord knows that credit card won't get paid off...but I can put a dent in it! I keep telling myself to pay these down so I would have extra every month for Isaac. Less interest, etc. I think I might need a giant poster that serves as a huge Post It note or something...
Even though I have been sick lately, I still have a bit of time until the Women's Fashion Show. I am very very excited about this. I had stopped doing hairbows, but D encouraged me to keep going with them...so they are back in production! I have 3 more weeks to soap and for them to be ready for the show. So many plans I want to do with the soap, I just don't know which to do next! As soon as they have cured I will be posting pictures of the final products! So excited!
Please consider donating to Isaac, share his gofundme via facebook, twitter, email...however you can! Or purchase anything we are making to raise funds for him! Thank you! Here are his links:

www.gofundme.com/5ywwdw
facebook.com/handmadecreationsforcourtney

:

My 3 sons...

I am sad today. So I guess that's a hint of how the tone of this blog will be. I have made the decision that Brandon needs to go live with his dad in Biloxi for a while. What's a while...I don't know. What I do know is that so far I have failed him as his parent. He needs a WHOLE LOT MORE that what I can give him. And I really don't mean money. My emotions on this are all over the place, and I made this decision alone. Cause that's how I feel when it comes to Brandon. ALONE. If more explanation is needed on that..feel free to text, email, call or ask me in person but be prepared for a rant. When I posted this on facebook, that he was moving, I got support from 2 people. I haven't spoken to those 2 people in probably over 10 years at least. To Ms Jill and Ashley, thank you so much. It means alot that someone else has had to make that hard choice and does not regret it. I hope Brandon gets what he needs down there.
Landon. Oh my silly little Landon. He's stuck in the middle. I feel for him. Stuck between teenage ADHD and toddler Autism and Language Disorder. I just don't know what else to say.
Isaac. He needs so much. He's getting some therapies in school right now (speech and some OT) but it is no where near enough. Not by a long shot. Yes, Tenncare will cover the cost of diapers for those with Autism over 3. I don't have Tenncare. We make like $30 a month too much for that. Cigna doesn't cover it. Diapers diapers diapers. Good Lord y'all... when your child is too big for size 6 diapers and you have to start ordering online size 7s (only made by Pampers) it gets so darn expensive. And when you have to get special needs diapers...look out! I have been trying to order (when I can money wise) special extra large sizes of cloth diapers to try to save money. Wouldn't you know public schools only let you use disposables. I'm so screwed. OT is what would help with potty training...they are also the ones that help with food issues, his throwing up every time he has a haircut, and tons of other stuff.. so how do you choose?!? 30 minutes a WEEK to work on ONE THING at school, and mostly they work on fine motor skills...like pinching stuff. Cause he can't do that either.
I have been begging facebook friends and family to donate or SHARE his gofundme fundraiser. For months. It saddens me that no one shares his page. In the rules of gofundme, the page cannot go public on their site for unknown donations until we can raise $100 of our own. I know a lot of my friends are broke, just like us, but it takes 2 seconds to share the status. Why can't my friends, fb and those I love to pieces and would do for them, and ESPECIALLY FAMILY share this post?!  It hurts my heart so much that my family won't even SHARE!  Please notice I said share, not necessarily donate. It takes almost nothing to share the post. I'm the one begging for help, not the person sharing.
I shared his fund this morning, as I am trying to do every few days, losing more and more hope. Then something happened. A wonderful lady, whom I haven't seen or spoken to in over 15 years at least, donated to Isaac. I started crying in the kitchen. Ms. Brooke, thank you from the bottom of our hearts!  A few months back, another wonderful lady I haven't spoken to in years, sent me a Kroger gift card just to help me out. Amy, I still think of your generosity all the time.
We still have a bit to go to reach the $100, and it going public.
At first I was mad, but then I realized no I'm just sad. People donate all the time to others they don't know through this funding page... for colleges, medical bills, etc. That is wonderful! We just would like that chance for Isaac too.
Please, go to my link and share. Please. 

Meltdowns...

Friday really took a toll on me. I was supposed to clean my aunt's house, and was getting everything all ready to go. The plan was: big kids off to school, then drop Isaac off at school, Carol pick up Landon, go watch Jessica's play (which was awesome!), go clean Mimi's house. This is what happened: big kids on bus, Isaac woke up having a fit, Isaac had some sort of meltdown over I don't know what every 3 minutes the entire morning, Isaac wanted to lay on the sidewalk, NO then he wanted to be held, he wanted the back pack on...oh wait no he doesn't....THE ENTIRE WALK TO THE SCHOOL DOORS. He wanted to flop and literally just lay in the middle of the sidewalks, crosswalk, and in front of the gym door. I was carrying him to the school...while his 42 lb self was flopping and fighting me the entire time. After almost 2 hours of back to back meltdowns, and finally getting him in the school classroom all I could do was walk back to the car with Landon and try to cry without letting Landon see just how tired I was. I called my mom crying. I called my aunt crying and asked to clean another day. Carol picked up Landon. I went to the school, saw Jess in her play. Then I followed the assistant principal and gave him a piece of my mind about Brandon still not having a uniform. Yes, I threatened discrimination. I came home and cried some more and tried to just pick up the house. Clearing out clutter maybe to help clear out my mind. I probably should have just gone on and cleaned Mimi's, so I wouldn't feel like I still need to hurry up and do something.
I thought I was doing better today, then somebody came to the door and was going to do the flowerbeds. Yep, I hate them and worked it out that they would take most of the shit out. Guess what?! That's right...they did two bushes and left with my money. Lesson learned the hard way. So after cleaning up the mess they left this afternoon I cried some more about the money that was gone that D works so hard for. All because I wanted the front of the house to look better and I'm too lazy to do that shit myself. I guess they really need that more than I did. I'm trying to not dwell on it too much. I was about to post something (vent) on the autism fb site then I read something and it made me cry again (happy tears though) and I wanted to share with those who can't see it...
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

October Mischief!

We've had birthdays galore around here, and new schedules and schools and it's been crazy! Jess turned 14, Isaac turned 3 and Halloween is 2 days away!!!
Isaac update: He is now 3, which means all of his therapies have stopped. He is now going to ChimneyRock and receiving speech 2 times a week for only 30 min and OT for 30 min. That is not anywhere near enough for him. He is doing really well with the new routine and seems to love the classroom! He has said pumpkin (mostly right) and nana! He has had a few new words but mostly we are working on putting 2 words he already knows together... ex: want cup.
I'm stressing a bit about Christmas, but I'm trying to just let it go and enjoy the time I will get with all my family. My favorite part of the year is coming and I'm more excited than stressed this year. It's a nice change.
Since Isaac has school 5 days a week now, and Landon has it 2 days a week...I have been cleaning my rear off! My house was so dirty I couldn't believe it! Every day I do a different set of rooms...literally from top to bottom. Cabinets, chair rails, lights, baseboards, blinds...everything. It takes me about 3 hours everyday to do one room, or two small rooms. It is seeming to be really great exercise for me and I hope I'm sweating some of the weight off!!! I'm also trying to walk more. I have a HUGE goal for myself and I'm having to take baby steps though and not jump right in. My new goal...do the Disney Princess Half in 2016. The one coming up in 2015 is sold out. So, even though it's a year away....I'm horribly out of shape and still counting down. D said that if I'm ready to run it by July, we'll go. So even though it's not until next Feb for me, I have until July to prove that I can do it. My brother and mom seem to think that I could...so I'm going off their faith and going to do my best to get there.
This will be Jess and Brandon's last year for trick or treating, so they plan on making the most of it! Landon will be batman, and Isaac will be Robin. We plan on having so much fun Friday taking them around the block then passing out candy! I'll post pics Saturday hopefully!
This has been a really rough year for us. We have struggled so much all year. If anyone would like to help I will post our gofundme link on fb and also I have created a wish list for Christmas. I think the big kids have lost their minds with their lists, but I put it all on there for them anyway. Some people don't like donating money, so I put lots of things on the amazon wish list if anyone wants to help out but not send money! Every little bit helps. It was a total shock to me that, even he's so young, Isaac had to have uniforms.
Well, hopefully I can update the blog more often now that after cleaning in the morning I can sit for a few in the afternoon!

Here's our Amazon List link....that also has target and walmart stuff on it too...
http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/1HOB6VCWKVTTJ/ref=cm_wl_search_bin_1_1