Friday fun

We had an amazingly restful Friday night. Lounging, watching tv and not doing a whole lot.
Got my 3 things done yesterday, big kids still at their dad's. I was so excited to register for what is my first walk/run of this year.
I know that I will get swept in February, so keeping with the positive I am thinking of positive outcome of it. More on that later, still thinking!

3 positives from Friday: no school on Saturdays so no homework, got firewood "ordered" for delivery, new screen cover put on!!

Tomorrow is another blessed day. :)

Beach dreaming!

I think I might need to tan. Something. I'm dreaming of sun, sand, waves and ocean breezes!!
Got my 35 minutes in on the treadmill, so I'm proud!

Big kids still at their dad's, Isaac chilled at home and L had a good day at school.
D still struggling with kidney stone but got to see Dr today and come up with a plan if it doesn't move in this next week.

Weight:92.0... same as yesterday!
Positives: made a Disney payment, budgeted to get someone to clean my house, and accomplished my 3 things to the best of my ability.

Hugs and love.

Early to rise!

Back to school for one kiddo means my first early day in a while! Coffee was hot and delicious and worked.

Isaac had his first day back at ABA today too. Think he missed his playground!

Big kids still at their dad's, Landon staying with Mumu after school, D still battling kidney stone.

Positives: attempted my 3 things, D has plans to try to get into urologist tomorrow, I got an uninterrupted bath!!

Weight: 92.0 kg.
Painting was considered a form of crosstraining.

Welcome New Year!

I am very excited about this new year. 2018! I can't, or well I can, believe it has been over 2 years since I last did a post. Nothing and yet so much has changed. 

I'd like to use this blog for positives, rants, and an emotional and somewhat practical record of what the kiddos have been up to. Might just be a short post about what happened today or a long emotional setback or breakthrough. Missed yesterday, but not stressing. No resolutions this year. Positive and giving. Those are my words this year. 

Today the littles got to go play at Nana's for a bit with the cousins. They love going to play with them!

Jess and B are down at their mawmaw's house visiting with their dad. I haven't heard too much from them, which is good news. 

D is feeling a lot better from the kidney stone and I've almost, almost! accomplished my list of 3. 

I watched one of those Buzzfeed type videos on facebook and was curious to see if I could do some of the stuff.. so.. late at night, or really before I go to bed I have been writing down 3 things I want to accomplish the next day. Some of the have simple... like soak in the tub, and some of them have been to do list type stuff (put Christmas away). I like it. I like the idea of getting something done..even if it is small. Great way to have a positive in the day. Didn't do it, no worries... add it to another day list. 

Positive for today: D is feeling better and he's making tacos.

Current weight: 92.3kg (203.5) 

What's for dinner?

I think this is the single most asked question of me lately! I have no clue!! I am grateful that Justin gave me all those cookbooks. I do think I will be using them really soon! What is it about fall and winter that makes me want to cook so badly?! Maybe it's the cool/cold weather.. and if I get hot I can just step outside? The idea that many people don't worry about diets during the holidays so we tend to cook more... It's not that easy for us to plan dinners...and we eat so dang early. As you can imagine, Isaac gives us our schedule and he is the pickiest eater. I am giving in to serious thoughts of adult dinner and kids dinner having completely separate menus. Me, D and Landon aren't feeling that great tonight..so it's soup and grilled cheese!
We were supposed to go to Ann's tonight to celebrate her and Meredith's birthday...and well...my body..especially my sinuses said nope. I don't get to see Ann that much.
Since I haven't been feeling that great and not doing much but laying around on the couch, I've been thinking about the holidays and Christmas mostly! The older I get...the more I would rather give than receive. This year is a bit different. We have struggled before, but this year seemed to really kick our asses. Every year I put the kids wishlists on Amazon for family, so I don't have to keep track of who I told what. Just pick something and I'll mark it or something.
Another thing that is different..is I have added my wishlist. I actually have one this year. Most of it is for the house, but three or four are for me. Do I expect to get them..no. But it was fun! Fun to daydream about all the things I could do to improve the house! I can paint cabinets if I had the stuff! I can install those string lights for Isaac if I had them with the curtains! Only one of the faucets really is needed..the rest would just be small upgrade. People are always saying it's the little things. It is! Little things make you mad, or happy. Like Starbucks. Happy. Walking into the kitchen and liking your light fixture...happy. Having a coffee table...happy :)  We haven't ever had one a coffee table or side tables. I'm not silly enough to think about getting super nice stuff...just something. A rug by this big old pond would be sweet!! See! It's exciting to think about!! The only thing on the list that is just for me is the hair stuff I think. Good hair care much needed or I look like a fried Shakira. Just imagine.
I think I marked all of Isaac's and Landon's stuff high on the priority list...the next would be the house stuff...detergent, cleaning stuff etc. You know you are broke and an adult when you would be extremely happy with a giant thing of toilet paper for Christmas!!! Or socks...dang! I should go add socks...
We have hit our out of pocket max for this year and I am starting to dread the New Year and starting all over. On a positive note I have already started my New Year's Resolution thing! I am starting to think you should maybe start on your birthday...
I still have been good and haven't smoked since May 4. I can smell things better..which is a blessing and a curse. I still haven't gotten to the point where the smoke smell doesn't make me crave it when I smell it. I hope that changes. Maybe it never will. Who knows...all I know is deodorant is a fabulous thing and I really have to avoid certain perfume areas in the mall!! On a good note though...when I smell coffee I could float away on a cloud like in cartoons. It's the little things ;)
Guess I better get to dinner...whatever it will be...

Here is the link to our wishlist. Every bit helps and we are saving up for the new year payments for Isaac. Have a blessed rest of the weekend!
https://amzn.com/w/1HOB6VCWKVTTJ

His gofundme  www.gofundme.com/isaaccourtney

 

As long as He's with me...

I have been having a hard time lately, and wanted to explain a bit. Brandon is now in Partial Hospitalization at Lakeside...Day Program Monday through Friday with family group once a week. Tomorrow I should know more from the dr as far as how long he'll be there, etc. Between that and Isaac's usual therapy shuffles and daily life I might crack. I have been seeing my own psychiatrist for stress like this for a while now, but it seems like I'm getting hit left and right and then left again. A few weeks ago I posted on facebook that I was running away. I'm guessing everyone thought I was joking. I wasn't. Last minute everything. I was stressing to the point of almost shutting down. Thursday before we left for Destin is the first time we took B to Lakeside. They said to get him in the day program the next day. I just took him out of school, took the boys out of school, and we left on Sat. The ocean soothes my soul. The sound, rocking of the waves, salt breezes...it always had. Beach and/or sand not necessary. I have been blessed to love the ocean since I can remember. My parents taking us on these great trips. Boats, diving, all of it. The ocean heals my soul a bit, and helps it rest for the next day, week and month for the constant fights, meltdowns, arguments, and mediating. Fights with B, Isaac meltdowns, B putting me in the middle of his and D's arguments, mediating between B and the boys, pushing for Isaac's services, shuttling him everywhere. It's enough to drive anyone batshit crazy. Sometimes you have to run away in order to face another day. Yes, we are broke. We pay our bills that we have to, we have very little for anything else. Yes, it sucks seeing everyone else's pics of them going to the delta fair, zoo boo, shopping at craft fairs. We haven't gotten to do stuff like that in a long time. Cooper young fest, I wish. We got an adjustment on D's taxes... I took 800 for the Destin trip and the other 250 on bills. Nothing else left. We found some good deals recently on an adaptive carseat and special stroller. D's cousin Brandy has been helping us with Isaac's copays and his speech therapy costs this past year. Mom has been helping when she can. Carol helps us out all the time. For as long as I can remember, and with all the crap I have gone through... losing and leaving everything and trying to start over, being so broke that your friend brings you groceries ( I swear I'll never forget that April, I love you!) I have not asked for help from my brother. When Isaac was diagnosed and we had all this medical debt starting out for his evaluations and tests...etc... he and Caroline gave Isaac a gift card to the Sensory Store. It was great for him. My mom has told me that Fred helped me pay for B's gymnastics years ago. I didn't know that until well after. I have tried over the past years to not ask him for help. I wish I could tell him to walk a day in my shoes...but then again I wouldn't want that stress, pain, and worry for him. I broke down and asked him for help. Financial help for Brandon. I had to pay $612 for the first 5 days. I had to use mom's credit card. I asked him for a gift of maybe 25 or 15 dollars...straight to mom...to help me. I have absolutely no response whatsoever. My mom and I talked about it. She said he doesn't understand why I'm asking for help via gofundme etc... when we take trips. My mom then said she understands more now why I needed to get away and how stressed I must be. Maybe she can explain it to him. She said I know that probably pisses you off....no, no it doesn't. It makes me sad. I am thoroughly crushed. I swallowed every tiny teeny bit of pride I had to ask him for help...and not even that much on such a big debt for me. Caroline won't ever even share his gofundme link. If I tag her, she untags herself. Y'all that's her NEPHEW. I would share every other day if it was Eli or Ethan. I even asked her why she wouldn't and she just deleted it.Who does that?
So much to be mad about and I'm not. I'm sad. Sad that I didn't get help for Brandon or us sooner. Sad that my mom sees how bad it is and she worries so much. I have tried and tried to not let her see alot lately, but I'm barely getting through it myself and can't protect her anymore right now. She'll understand that.
Church has been one of my havens. I do feel hopeless alot lately, but something will happen to give me hope. Isaac will just hold my hand...just because. Or Landon will do something silly and have me giggling so hard I snort. These remind me that God won't leave me here in this place. Like the title of this blog says.. as long as He (God) is still with me I will make it through. I having been asking for so much help from God lately. Patience, understanding, stress reduction. But this saturday was a bit different. In church I realized...it's also, as long as he is with me...meaning Dennis.  He is my better half, my rock, my patience, my backup, my best friend. God has given me such a gift. And he cooks! D is all for family therapy. His and B's relationship is rough at best.
We are struggling. It hurts me a little more each time I post Isaac's gofundme. Now I will feel even worse when I do. I posted the amazon link the other day..and it doesn't feel any better.
This post is for me. For me to get out some of the shit in my head and heart. D and I are on one hell of a roller coaster. We don't want to get off...but maybe it could level out a bit for a few minutes.
My monster is ready to go to sleep. Guess he won't wait forever! Or even 1 minute. Ah Autism...

Helping Isaac

We are doing everything we can to try to help Isaac. We are financially at the point of balancing and juggling. I'm sure most everyone knows what that means! We pay bills, and then we are broke again for the next two weeks! There really isn't any extra for special cups, expensive special needs strollers, allergy dr recommended vacuums, etc. We were blessed to receive enough in donations so far to order him 12 new special sized (expensive, custom order) cloth diapers. We have been using cloth diapers for well over a year and we saved so much money using them. They only go up to 45 lbs, and Isaac is just over 50lbs. I was blessed enough to find someone on Etsy (after several tries) that would and could make diapers to fit my special super sized little man. We also used some of the donation money and squeezed out some of our own to get him a used Ipad off of a resale site. We only have  a few apps on it so far, and it seems like most of the learning ones for him (that are recommended or the best) are purchase apps. We are trying to get Itunes cards for those too. And he's cracked the screen. Hence the kid proof cover on our wishlist :)
I realize that a lot of my friends and family are not in a position to help financially for Isaac, and I am so grateful for the sharing of his posts!! It means the world to me!!!
My mom and Carol will be watching the kids starting Sunday through Wednesday to give Dennis and I a break for a minute. We are getting a touch overwhelmed. I am hoping to rest, relax for a minute, and get back to one of my main jobs...advocating for Isaac. We have an IEP on the 23rd to see if he qualifies for extended school year.

As spring approaches (hopefully weather wise too!!) I am starting to weed stuff out. Spring cleaning and all! If anyone is spring cleaning and thinking of donating the stuff to goodwill or any other place...please consider donating to Isaac! I am going to have a yard sale here at the house on April 25 (May 2 would be a rain day) to benefit Isaac. All (every single dime) money raised will go to purchase any "special" thing he needs. The tilty cups, the special stroller, or any other OT, Speech, or ABA tool that has been recommended to us. The funds will not be used for itunes cards, or to fix his cracked screen. Things like the cups, stroller, and vacuum to help his breathing will be our main priorities.
PLEASE PLEASE,  if you have anything that you are thinking of getting rid of- send it my way! I will come pick it up at any time!! I will pick up small batches, big batches, a small Kroger sack of stuff...anything!!!
Thank you again to all of my friends and family for thinking of Isaac and sharing his posts!