You think you are on the verge of having a true nervous breakdown, and something happens to realize you weren't close. It goes from somewhat manageable to bad, then bad to worse. Something gives you a glimmer of hope then splat. Just kidding. That's when you realize you were a bit farther from that breakdown then you realized. You think now you are to that point...waiting on the "other shoe to drop" or however you want to phrase it. You search for inspirational quotes on fb or where ever, hoping one will get you back to that place where you can count the blessings you do have. You try to not listen to other's negativity without 1. imputing your own (other people need to vent too) 2. stopping them from venting (you have enough venting to do of your own and know how it is to need to vent) 3. shoving false bubbles and happiness up their ass (some people just need a moment of sad). Everyone has issues, different journeys, paths they were meant to take etc. I get it, really I do. Karma and blah blah blah. Yeah, I've done some super shitty stuff....but I think I've also done my time in Hell. The past few days I have been trying to get to that turning point of "It'll get better" and I can't find it. Am I on the verge of depression...nope. I am completely overwhelmed and sad. I'll explain the sad in a bit.
Yes, Isaac as a whole is very overwhelming. If you look at Isaac as a super grown 8 month old, he is completely awesome. I know where he "should" be and I know what he's "not doing" that is in range for his age. What my baby is- is extremely predictable. I know when he's going to want lunch. He's repetitive, I know what he's going to want for lunch. I know he's going to run from me every single time I go to change his diaper. I know if it has wheels, I need to keep him away from it unless I have to money to buy it. He's gonna grab it, not let it go, and put it straight in his mouth. Now that his official diagnosis is here and there's a shitload of stuff he needs and stuff that we have to work on I'm overwhelmed. Change is hard for me...I adjust. Change is 20 times worse for him and mostly he tolerates it, but it's becoming rough for him and we just started. Somewhere I read that parents of Autistic children have the same constant stress levels as a soldier in active duty. It appears that in the next year, I might find out what that could imply and at the present time I don't have a job to add to that stress. I might not ever know that...but I'm worried that D might.
We were told that we might be able to get grants or things like that to help with Isaac's therapy needs and some websites to visit to research this. I will be doing this tonight. Social Security has a section of SSI benefits that pertain to children with disabilities and we have explored that route. It seemed to us that the hard part about that was qualifying income wise for that . Well, we are so fucking broke that we qualify for it. We are denied because D has that land in Arkansas that he bought the ex out of. For SSI you cannot have more than a $2000 resource. Well, we owe $41k on it. It appraised for $54k. Math genius I am not, but can realize that is more than $2k. I explained to the lady at SSA that since it is vacant land in vacation area we would not be able to sell it even if we wanted to. There is no market for that now. In the appraisal it even states to sell it we would have to reduce the asking price well under it's appraisal. Add in closing costs and we would be lucky to break even, much less have more than $2k out of it. They don't care. I'll be receiving our official denial letter any day now. D said even if we put it out there for sale for $40k we wouldn't probably even get an offer. He also said that if we couldn't sell it, it couldn't be counted as a resource. When he said that, I just knew we might be fighting this. Appeal, or whatever. More research for me. He's got enough to do. And I'm tired already. That would have paid for just over half of the recommend therapies Isaac needs. (I'm not counting the recommended DAILY speech therapy..just rolling with the 2 times a week).
D and I have been going to look at private schools/developmental preschools and finally I told him yesterday I won't anymore. We can't pay for anything, and I'm not going to exhaust myself trying to even figure out where that would be coming from. Once we were told on the phone we qualified for SSI based on income, I got my hopes up that we could swing a preschool, etc. When that door slammed, I realized how far away from breakdown I am.
I was sick last week, D is sick now, Landon is super sick and having high fevers. Trying to pull off all of these visits is draining. My mom and Carol are helping out with babysitting and stuff. Little blessings. And it's getting bad that I'm having to constantly remind myself of those.
I am now in the Autism moms fb group for the mid south area, and honestly what the moms on that panel say about Shelby County schools, IEPs, and problems I am scared to death to send Isaac to preschool there when the time comes in October. I am truly scared and don't want him to go. We have no other choice. The only thing that we've got is that when the next "school" year starts, Isaac will no longer be going to his mother's day out program and Carol has said that she will give us that money she would have been paying for that to get him additional speech therapy. The speech therapy that he goes to now once a week Jack paid for. He gave us enough money for therapy for January, February and the first week in March. After that, he will only be doing what speech he gets from TEIS. So for February he will get speech twice a week. Once from Jack's money and once from TEIS, then he will go back to once a week through TEIS.
To be told that your child needs something daily...and you can't even provide it for once a week (TEIS paying for it) makes you sad. To be told that he needs a special preschool and you can't afford it makes you sad. How am I doing my job?! I'm not. And that's what hurts so bad. He needs so much more than I can do for him financially and it's killing me. I've gone through so much anger with this than anything. Oh and how many why's I've said lately. Why wasn't I smarter about money and now can't afford anything that he needs?! (And I really mean I, not we as in D and I). Stuff like that. No changing the past and all that crap. Sometimes shit like that just doesn't help when said to you. I think that has made me more tired than anything.
I told D the other day, we need a big God Damn break. Yep, cussing, using God's name in vain. In a few words all my ugly came out. I meant it too. We need a God Damn Fucking BREAK. A BIG ONE. I don't mean something simple like the fridge actually working for longer than 2 weeks. I would get Karma and all that crap if it just effecting me or my day. My kids and D having to pay for any shitty thing I did in the past shouldn't keep continuing. So honestly I'm not counting that. Do I think I just set myself up for a disaster...maybe but it's how I feel. Do I wish ill on anyone...hell no. Do I wish for anyone to ever struggle like this...never. Do I understand that there are people worse off then me....absolutely. Does that knowledge help...not at this minute. My mom hasn't been able to keep the kids in a while (she's having her own sick battles and I pray for her) and when Carol keeps them the time she has them is shorter and shorter and shorter. Yeah yeah I'm being a totally selfish ungrateful bitch, but honestly I could give two shits right now. I shouldn't be expecting some big break or anything but a few months or something of breathing room would soooooooo damn nice. Not from kids, from overload stress. Hey everyone has bills, issues, stresses...but ours are compounding. And I feel bad for D.
I will probably be calling the doctor today to take Landon in either this afternoon and tomorrow. After that copay, and possible medicine my grocery budget this week will be less than half of what it normally is. Sob story...absolutely. And this is my best way to get it out. My mom, I'm sure is tired of hearing it by now and she's got enough negativity on her plate to last a lifetime), Ann I'm sure is tired of hearing it too, and the only other person I really talk to is April...and I'm not calling her and dragging her down! (She's got enough too and she's about to have that beautiful baby girl!).
I've been so sick lately, then D got the sick, now Landon that my nephew is over a week old and I haven't even met him yet.
I've already done D's taxes for this year, and although that will help relieve some credit cards stress we are having it will not help for the immediate minute. The benefits of putting it on the card will pay off in the long run more than it will in the immediate future. Having to look at both is exhausting too.
This post is not for anyone to feel bad for us, just for me to vent. I set up that gofundme page and they still won't post it for strangers to fund me until I hit that $100 mark first. I've noticed that alot of fb "friends" are sharing other people's gofundme posts for things like college tuition and stuff..if you can share that please take 2 seconds to share mine when I post it. That really will only be used for Isaac. As a house we can maintain daily stuff. We cannot afford any extras (dinner out, field trips for the kids etc) and so when I mean we are not able to give isaac any therapies..I mean it. One therapy a week takes my grocery budget from $144 a week for 6 people to $99 a week.
Here's his link:
http://www.gofundme.com/5ywwdw
Any other help we can use besides financially? Absolutely! I have read that immunizations can be harsh to those with Autism...do I think they cause it no. Am I going to stop them...no. But, I have heard rumors that you can request them split up. Some that come in one shot can be split into separate ones and can be given over the course of 2 to 3 weeks. One every week or something. Do i really wanna go to the dr that much, no. Does it help not overload his immune system and therefore better for Isaac...well that's what I don't know. Maybe someone can look that shit up for me. I can't afford shitloads of ink or laminating stuff and heard it was cheaper to print your own PECS cards. Print one page out for us. Like Bath time pic or diaper pic or hell, anything. Would love for it to be in color. I am not above begging, but not in such bad shape yet to bug. That's why I won't be posting the link for this post on fb.
Like I said, wanna help and don't have any money...please share his go fund me link on fb or maybe print us a page for his PECS cards. We can't have enough. One set here, one at carol's, one at mom's, one at his mother's day out.
To those who do read this, thanks for letting me vent. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
