It's getting better all the time

In the past week or so, a lot of people, friends and family, have shared Isaac's gofundme posts. We have had some amazing donations for Isaac. Monday will be Money Monday where I will break down where all his money goes/went. I will also be updating his goals. I have learned about ABA students who might do a one hours session once a week at a discounted rate. Ex: $15-$20 an hour versus $30-$50. I am very excited about this new possibility! I also ranted on facebook about the money/sharing and someone told me to go ahead and apply for SSI again. I will. Tuesday. I have to call them to start the application process then finish online. I'm praying he will get some financial help from them, but as we have been denied and our appeal denied...I'm not really holding my breath. But I will pray just the same!
Valentine's Day! My sweet D got me some white chocolate. My favorite. Sometimes it doesn't take a lot, it's the little things. Since I was sick yesterday, Brandon's Valentine didn't get mailed until today, and Jess, Landon, Isaac and Dennis will just have to wait until I'm better. No driving for a few days they said.
I have registered for that Hope Express...the weekend thing that you go to to learn about Hope Church and see about possibly becoming a member. They seem to have a ton of stuff to offer for Isaac in the ways of church, God, and social activities. I am Catholic, and love being Catholic. I just don't know of another church that might offer so much for him. Momma says that it doesn't matter where you go, as long as you go. I'm trusting her on that one. I pretty sure it's been over 20 years since I went to church on a regular basis. I am refusing to count exactly....I'm having enough issues with years, age, and all my lines/wrinkles...
Speaking of! I see Jess posting about Botox and fillers etc. I have been wanting to try that soooooo badly!!! $12 a unit....and her first was 20 units....and she's no where near as bad as me...goodness gracious! My first visit would probably top $400!!! Anybody want to donate Botox to me?!?!?

We have filed taxes, and are getting a return this year! And as soon as it gets here...it's going right back out! However! We will get caught up on some bills! Credit card bills, medical bills, and maybe a few groceries too! Maybe one of the bills won't get paid in full so we can get few extra groceries...and Lord knows that credit card won't get paid off...but I can put a dent in it! I keep telling myself to pay these down so I would have extra every month for Isaac. Less interest, etc. I think I might need a giant poster that serves as a huge Post It note or something...
Even though I have been sick lately, I still have a bit of time until the Women's Fashion Show. I am very very excited about this. I had stopped doing hairbows, but D encouraged me to keep going with them...so they are back in production! I have 3 more weeks to soap and for them to be ready for the show. So many plans I want to do with the soap, I just don't know which to do next! As soon as they have cured I will be posting pictures of the final products! So excited!
Please consider donating to Isaac, share his gofundme via facebook, twitter, email...however you can! Or purchase anything we are making to raise funds for him! Thank you! Here are his links:

www.gofundme.com/5ywwdw
facebook.com/handmadecreationsforcourtney

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My 3 sons...

I am sad today. So I guess that's a hint of how the tone of this blog will be. I have made the decision that Brandon needs to go live with his dad in Biloxi for a while. What's a while...I don't know. What I do know is that so far I have failed him as his parent. He needs a WHOLE LOT MORE that what I can give him. And I really don't mean money. My emotions on this are all over the place, and I made this decision alone. Cause that's how I feel when it comes to Brandon. ALONE. If more explanation is needed on that..feel free to text, email, call or ask me in person but be prepared for a rant. When I posted this on facebook, that he was moving, I got support from 2 people. I haven't spoken to those 2 people in probably over 10 years at least. To Ms Jill and Ashley, thank you so much. It means alot that someone else has had to make that hard choice and does not regret it. I hope Brandon gets what he needs down there.
Landon. Oh my silly little Landon. He's stuck in the middle. I feel for him. Stuck between teenage ADHD and toddler Autism and Language Disorder. I just don't know what else to say.
Isaac. He needs so much. He's getting some therapies in school right now (speech and some OT) but it is no where near enough. Not by a long shot. Yes, Tenncare will cover the cost of diapers for those with Autism over 3. I don't have Tenncare. We make like $30 a month too much for that. Cigna doesn't cover it. Diapers diapers diapers. Good Lord y'all... when your child is too big for size 6 diapers and you have to start ordering online size 7s (only made by Pampers) it gets so darn expensive. And when you have to get special needs diapers...look out! I have been trying to order (when I can money wise) special extra large sizes of cloth diapers to try to save money. Wouldn't you know public schools only let you use disposables. I'm so screwed. OT is what would help with potty training...they are also the ones that help with food issues, his throwing up every time he has a haircut, and tons of other stuff.. so how do you choose?!? 30 minutes a WEEK to work on ONE THING at school, and mostly they work on fine motor skills...like pinching stuff. Cause he can't do that either.
I have been begging facebook friends and family to donate or SHARE his gofundme fundraiser. For months. It saddens me that no one shares his page. In the rules of gofundme, the page cannot go public on their site for unknown donations until we can raise $100 of our own. I know a lot of my friends are broke, just like us, but it takes 2 seconds to share the status. Why can't my friends, fb and those I love to pieces and would do for them, and ESPECIALLY FAMILY share this post?!  It hurts my heart so much that my family won't even SHARE!  Please notice I said share, not necessarily donate. It takes almost nothing to share the post. I'm the one begging for help, not the person sharing.
I shared his fund this morning, as I am trying to do every few days, losing more and more hope. Then something happened. A wonderful lady, whom I haven't seen or spoken to in over 15 years at least, donated to Isaac. I started crying in the kitchen. Ms. Brooke, thank you from the bottom of our hearts!  A few months back, another wonderful lady I haven't spoken to in years, sent me a Kroger gift card just to help me out. Amy, I still think of your generosity all the time.
We still have a bit to go to reach the $100, and it going public.
At first I was mad, but then I realized no I'm just sad. People donate all the time to others they don't know through this funding page... for colleges, medical bills, etc. That is wonderful! We just would like that chance for Isaac too.
Please, go to my link and share. Please. 

Meltdowns...

Friday really took a toll on me. I was supposed to clean my aunt's house, and was getting everything all ready to go. The plan was: big kids off to school, then drop Isaac off at school, Carol pick up Landon, go watch Jessica's play (which was awesome!), go clean Mimi's house. This is what happened: big kids on bus, Isaac woke up having a fit, Isaac had some sort of meltdown over I don't know what every 3 minutes the entire morning, Isaac wanted to lay on the sidewalk, NO then he wanted to be held, he wanted the back pack on...oh wait no he doesn't....THE ENTIRE WALK TO THE SCHOOL DOORS. He wanted to flop and literally just lay in the middle of the sidewalks, crosswalk, and in front of the gym door. I was carrying him to the school...while his 42 lb self was flopping and fighting me the entire time. After almost 2 hours of back to back meltdowns, and finally getting him in the school classroom all I could do was walk back to the car with Landon and try to cry without letting Landon see just how tired I was. I called my mom crying. I called my aunt crying and asked to clean another day. Carol picked up Landon. I went to the school, saw Jess in her play. Then I followed the assistant principal and gave him a piece of my mind about Brandon still not having a uniform. Yes, I threatened discrimination. I came home and cried some more and tried to just pick up the house. Clearing out clutter maybe to help clear out my mind. I probably should have just gone on and cleaned Mimi's, so I wouldn't feel like I still need to hurry up and do something.
I thought I was doing better today, then somebody came to the door and was going to do the flowerbeds. Yep, I hate them and worked it out that they would take most of the shit out. Guess what?! That's right...they did two bushes and left with my money. Lesson learned the hard way. So after cleaning up the mess they left this afternoon I cried some more about the money that was gone that D works so hard for. All because I wanted the front of the house to look better and I'm too lazy to do that shit myself. I guess they really need that more than I did. I'm trying to not dwell on it too much. I was about to post something (vent) on the autism fb site then I read something and it made me cry again (happy tears though) and I wanted to share with those who can't see it...
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

October Mischief!

We've had birthdays galore around here, and new schedules and schools and it's been crazy! Jess turned 14, Isaac turned 3 and Halloween is 2 days away!!!
Isaac update: He is now 3, which means all of his therapies have stopped. He is now going to ChimneyRock and receiving speech 2 times a week for only 30 min and OT for 30 min. That is not anywhere near enough for him. He is doing really well with the new routine and seems to love the classroom! He has said pumpkin (mostly right) and nana! He has had a few new words but mostly we are working on putting 2 words he already knows together... ex: want cup.
I'm stressing a bit about Christmas, but I'm trying to just let it go and enjoy the time I will get with all my family. My favorite part of the year is coming and I'm more excited than stressed this year. It's a nice change.
Since Isaac has school 5 days a week now, and Landon has it 2 days a week...I have been cleaning my rear off! My house was so dirty I couldn't believe it! Every day I do a different set of rooms...literally from top to bottom. Cabinets, chair rails, lights, baseboards, blinds...everything. It takes me about 3 hours everyday to do one room, or two small rooms. It is seeming to be really great exercise for me and I hope I'm sweating some of the weight off!!! I'm also trying to walk more. I have a HUGE goal for myself and I'm having to take baby steps though and not jump right in. My new goal...do the Disney Princess Half in 2016. The one coming up in 2015 is sold out. So, even though it's a year away....I'm horribly out of shape and still counting down. D said that if I'm ready to run it by July, we'll go. So even though it's not until next Feb for me, I have until July to prove that I can do it. My brother and mom seem to think that I could...so I'm going off their faith and going to do my best to get there.
This will be Jess and Brandon's last year for trick or treating, so they plan on making the most of it! Landon will be batman, and Isaac will be Robin. We plan on having so much fun Friday taking them around the block then passing out candy! I'll post pics Saturday hopefully!
This has been a really rough year for us. We have struggled so much all year. If anyone would like to help I will post our gofundme link on fb and also I have created a wish list for Christmas. I think the big kids have lost their minds with their lists, but I put it all on there for them anyway. Some people don't like donating money, so I put lots of things on the amazon wish list if anyone wants to help out but not send money! Every little bit helps. It was a total shock to me that, even he's so young, Isaac had to have uniforms.
Well, hopefully I can update the blog more often now that after cleaning in the morning I can sit for a few in the afternoon!

Here's our Amazon List link....that also has target and walmart stuff on it too...
http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/1HOB6VCWKVTTJ/ref=cm_wl_search_bin_1_1

Garage sale and moving talks.

With the neighborhood garage sale coming up this Friday and Saturday, I've been going around the house trying to get everything we don't use or need to try to get rid of it. It seems that most of what we have is clothes! I need more wire hangers like crazy, so if anyone has any please let me know!!! I asked D to take off Friday, even though technically it's only supposed to be Saturday, because we do it both days. The big kids are out of school so they can help too. D is not letting me get rid of alot of stuff we don't use or need and is doing nothing but collecting dust! Anyone else feel like they live with a hoarder?! I know he's not that bad, and some things have emotional value, but we really don't need all this stuff! I'm also hoping that someone will be selling funnel cakes and corn dogs again this year...that might be my favorite part of the neighborhood being so busy. As things are going in different directions, and we've warned our parents...D and I have seriously sped up our possible moving. We are still trying to stay here, but we are also actively looking in other states. We are already looking into Florida (Orlando), Texas (Dallas area, and Midland), Georgia (Atlanta). We are open to alot of different places though, and we talk more about it once a week. We want to stay here, but it might not work out that way. The kids don't know yet, and we decided that we weren't going to tell them anything until something was definite...or not have them worry for nothing if we stay. Jess has a leading part in a school play, and Brandon has made cheer squad, so we aren't going to upset them. Time for me to get back to garage sale stuff...maybe I can sneak stuff into the garage without him noticing....

The Lady I call Mom. To my grandmother.

It has been so hard to collect my feelings on this. They are scattered all over the place, as I would guess most are when someone passes away. I have missed you for years. The Alzheimer's has taken a horrible toll on you the past 5 to 6 years and so I say I have missed you for years. When my mom called me the Wed night at 646 to let me know you finally passed, I cried. Alot. I cried alot more than I thought I would. Mimi told me Tuesday that you weren't doing so well, and we know you've bounced back...Like the energizer bunny she said...but since I have missed you for years I thought when you did go I wouldn't be so upset. Dennis said you never know how it will effect you until it happens. I am relieved you are not suffering anymore and trapped inside your mind, unable to connect. I am heartbroken that you are gone. My beautiful, funny, sweet grandmother who wanted to be called Mom instead of a grandmother name, I miss you. You were always so elegant to me, and the definition in my mind of a true classy lady. I can still hear you laugh when we would all get together at your house for dinners and holidays. I couldn't go see you, I hope you understand. To me, that was you but that was not you. I don't think my mother understood why I couldn't come see you. In my heart and in my head, you are the Mom standing in her kitchen smiling at all of us and laughing. With your hair curled just right and perfectly hemmed pants. Your visitation is Sunday, and your funeral is Monday. I dread both. And I'm sure I will cry everyday until then. Probably even after. Momma told me that Wed, the day you passed, was 10 years to the day after Dad (my grandfather) died. In a way, that's romantic and sad. It's also a reminder to me that you are both gone now. Jess and Brandon will remember you well, and it makes my heart hurt even more to know that Landon and Isaac will never get to meet the wonderful woman that you were. I can tell them, and give them my memories of you, show them pictures...but it's not the same. Wed night a few hours after Momma called, I was telling Jess about stories of you and with you of when I was little and even her age. I love you always, and miss you horribly. I hope you are at peace.

Isaac's great escape

Yesterday was going pretty normal, except D went out about 6 to the front yard to do some edging. It needed it badly so I was happy he was going to get it done. When he does yard work, the garage is always up. I pay closer attention to where the kids are for this reason, but somehow yesterday I was not on top of my game. Here is my epic Mommy fail. Jess, the two little boys and I were in the living room watching Handy Manny. Isaac started playing in the rocks around the pond. Time to distract. ABA style. "Isaac...come look out the front door! I see Daddy doing the yard!" It worked. Out of the pond he went, to the front door (which is always locked-both heavy door and glass) and started giggling. Right up behind us came Landon. "I wanna see Daddy too!" So I moved over and let Landon stand in front of me. Isaac went back towards to the living room. Thinking he was going back to Jess to watch more Handy Manny, I stood there with Landon telling him Daddy was what was called edging. No joke, 15 seconds had gone by and I turned around and said "where's Isaac?!" Running into the kitchen I see so many things off! Owen is staring out of the OPEN door that leads into the garage and Polly is about to go out of it! OH SHIT and ISAAC were my next thoughts as I flew out the door yelling JESS!!! JESSICA!!!! on my way out. I take off down the driveway, screaming Isaac, look left- nothing, look right and at first see nothing then way across Littlemore 4 houses down the other side of Kettering I see my little baby running at top speed. I am frantically yelling ISAAC  and BABY  to try to get Dennis's attention, but he can't hear me over the edger. Adrenaline has way past kicked in by now and I'm running faster than I ever thought across the street, not even paying attention to any cars. Isaac finally starts to hear me, turns around in the middle of Kettering and is grinning and giggling. He starts running back to me and I finally reach him. The whole way back to the house I don't let his feet touch the ground. D has caught up to us just after I catch him and is asking me what happened. 1. I can barely breathe much less talk. 2. All that is coming out are sobs. 3. How do you tell your best friend/spouse/baby's father/ the truth....you looked away for 30 seconds and lost your child?!?! As soon as we get back in the house I set him down in the kitchen, and immediately got down on my knees and thanked God for letting me catch him unharmed. He is fine. Anyone who lives in Countrywood knows that my street, Littlemore, is a cut through for the neighborhood. It cuts through from Rockcreek and Chimney Rock and people FLY down my street. For Isaac to make it across Littlemore and not get hit was a blessing alone! I was sick to my stomach all last night thinking about what if's and stuff like that. D and I knew that alot of autistic children are escape risks, but this was our first. We will be going to Lowe's and babies r us for all kinds of locks, etc. I am shaken up badly by this, but I am mostly grateful he is fine. It really is an amazing thing that my baby is ok. D kept asking me last night if I was ok...um HELL NO. I'm not ok, I'm scared it will happen again. I'm scared I won't be as fast next time, if there is one. I'm a big girl....carrying almost 70lbs of weight that's not ideal for me...and the what if's come roaring back in my head...
Then, I can look at my baby and once again Thank God he is home safe. Blessed beyond belief.